In Which I Judge My Own Writing Part V

In this possibly weekly feature I judge the book I wrote when I was ten years old, because it is so bad it’s hilarious and needs to be shared with the world. Sorry for my crappy old writing world. But at least it’s funny. I hope. I think so. Anyway, it takes place at a school for spies and is full of plot holes.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Quick recap: all students are sorted into teams of three and it’s a rule that you hang out with your teammates, which is a problem for Ricky since his teammates don’t want to hang out with him. The main four girls (Zoey, Laila, Reane and Patricia) along with new supporting/main (I have no idea what they were supposed to be) characters Bryan and Tim decide to help him out. When their one and only (terrible) plan fails, they decide to ask Door the chef for help in exchange for meatballs. In this chapter we’ll find out what Door’s ‘brilliant’ plan is (more like horrible plan).

This chapter starts with the literary masterpiece: ‘Laila woke up’.

We quickly run into another masterpiece (how is this possible?!): ‘Laila entered the Great Hall’. If you’re new to this series: yes I was definitely ripping off Harry Potter’s Great Hall.

It’s also time for my terrible humour at that age:

”Why are you two looking so grumpy?” Laila asked Bryan and Tim.
”Couldn’t sleep. He snored and when I finally fell asleep-” Bryan started.
”He started snoring and I couldn’t sleep.” Tim finished.
”And that went on all night.” they both said. (in Dutch it rhymes *mind blown at my brilliance*)

Anyway, Laila goes to get some food from Door who is grinning, but we don’t know why yet. Soon Ria appears behind Ricky, telling him to come and sit with her and Johnny and dragging him from the table. They tell him they only want to hang out with him during classes though. I still don’t understand why Ricky would go to these lengths anyway, even if some stupid school rule says he needs to hang out with them (like seriously fight that rule that is some creepy shit). I mean, the rule says that they need to hang out at all times so this doesn’t solve anything either? Just don’t hang out with them at all anyway. But of course there aren’t any consequences anyway.

Door joins them at the table to tell them about her ‘brilliant’ plan:

”I called her with a scary voice and said: ”Hang out with Ricky or I’ll curse you!” and she fell for that.”

Not only is that horrible, but how did Door get Ria’s number? Oh wait right, she used to attend Spy Academy (which will be revealed later on so oops spoiler). It’s still disturbing though. And of course the fact that she actually threatened her. And why is Ria doing as Door says, and not informing the school? Ria, you’re attending SPY ACADEMY. They could trace it back to Door and arrest her so you’d be safe. Seriously.

Door is really proud of what she has done too. Then again she offered to strange Ria last chapter…

And everyone tells her her plan was brilliant.

Zoey, Laila and Bryan decide to explore the school and find a statue of a woman that looks familiar to Zoey for some reason. It probably has nothing to do with that vision dream you had over and over again two years ago *cough cough*

Meanwhile Ricky is spending some quality time with Door, because Ria and Johnny don’t want to hang out with him outside of classes. And apparently the others aren’t such good friends with him to ask him to hang out with them. What even.

Back to Zoey & co who have found a locked door with a sign that says ‘forbidden’. Zoey says they could open the door with a bobby pin, but they don’t have the right one and they wonder where they could get one I don’t know maybe buy one or something. Zoey says they should leave the door alone though, because of the sign. Naturally they’ll open the door at some point.

At dinner they’re all sitting together and recapping their day. Literally. I don’t know if this is a thing in other countries, but here back in primary school we’d start Mondays sitting in a circle and we all had to tell the class what we had done during the weekends. And ironically the tables they’re sitting at are round so they’re sitting in a circle as well.

Finally it’s the exploring trio’s turn and they tell the others about the locked door, including the dilemma of not knowing where to get a bobby pin, but guess what? Door has one!

Of course they can borrow it, but in exchange for food. She’s over meatballs though, and is now into chicken (this had nothing to do with the fact that that was my favourite meal at that age). ”How will we get that?” Reane wonders. I don’t know, maybe the FRICKIN’ KITCHEN?!

Zoey says it doesn’t matter anyway, because they’re not going in. Wow what a spy.

”I’m just as curious as you guys, but that door is the only locked door in the school!”

Yeah even the headmistress’ office is unlocked.

”Maybe there’s something dangerous inside!”

like a three headed dog

”And if that’s not the case, we might get caught and expelled.”

”You’re right,” Patricia agreed. ”And we can’t find a chicken anyway…”

Hey, you’re eating dinner right as you’re discussing this. Where did that dinner come from? THE KITCHEN. WHERE YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FIND CHICKEN. WHERE DOOR CAN COOK HER OWN FRICKIN’ CHICKEN. THIS WHOLE PAYING DOOR FOR FAVOURS WITH FOOD DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. At all.

And the chapter ends with that cliffhanger. It’s a cliffhanger because it ends with ‘…’

The plot hole of trading food for favours with a chef continues! Have you ever found plot holes so big and ridiculous in your old writing that makes you wonder what you were thinking? Let me know in the comments!


21 thoughts on “In Which I Judge My Own Writing Part V

  1. I love this series. I’d suggest you do a radio show or podcast for it but then we’d al miss out on your awesome gifs. The Ladt one especially. I’ve seen Brave and don’t remember that. On a more random note I never had chicken as my favourite food. I think I still used it more an insult in those days haha.

  2. This whole series was absolutely great! My first character I wrote about was called ‘Zoey’ too, and trust me it was also as ridiculous! Your gifs were great the whole way through :D I absolutely love this segment!(Gets me inspired to go over my own cringe worthy writing!)

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