Welcome back to the roast of ten-year old me, or her writing anyway. In this so far weekly feature I discuss a chapter of the book I wrote back then, that took place in an academy for spies (cleverly called Spy Academy).
It’s time for the very first day of school! What kind of classes will they follow?? But first up another dream. This one is not a vision though (see part I), but it’s… um. Yeah, let me translate that passage.
Patricia was standing in the city (what even. She was standing in the city???). She entered a poulterer’s shop (is this the right term?). ”A chicken please,” she said. The man behind the counter gestured for her to follow him and Patricia followed him. In the room stood a chicken, he was about three meters tall and took a step towards Patricia…
No really. Besides the fact that it’s not very well written (scratch the ‘very’ it’s just horrible), but seriously?? Oh by the way, it’s not very clear from the passage, but she’s dreaming about a dead chicken. Seriously what was the point of this dream? And worst of all, Patricia thinks to herself ‘maybe Door wants a three meters tall chicken’. IT WAS A DREAM NOT A VISION. How many times do we need to have this conversation past!me.
At breakfast Zoey brings them good news: she has changed her mind out of nowhere and wants to open the mysteriously locked and forbidden door after all. She’s going to Castricum (a village) during Christmas break and decides that she’ll try to bring a chicken back to school with her. Because there’s a famous poulterer’s shop there.
Fun fact: near Castricum there’s a campground where I always went with my grandparents where there was a poulterer’s shop where they sold delicious chicken. I’m pretty sure they had a shop in Castricum as well. So the shop isn’t famous. Just loved by my 10-year old self haha. BUT AGAIN YOU CAN GET CHICKEN EVERYWHERE. INCLUDING YOUR SCHOOL’S KITCHEN. WHERE THE CHEF YOU WANT TO
BRIBE MAKE A DEAL WITH (doesn’t sound much better than ‘bribe’ to be honest) CAN COOK ONE HERSELF. STOP THIS STUPID PLOT LINE PLEASE.
Now it’s time to go to class. To get to their first class (chemistry), they have to pass the janitor’s closet. Yes,
he lives inside a closet his office is a closet. Poor guy. No wonder he’s cranky. There was no one there during the weekend (because he has nothing to do during the weekend at a boarding school??), but now there was an ‘old grey man’. Wow. Such description. Much details. Reane calls him a creep and the two get into a fight. It adds nothing to the plot naturally. So let’s move on.
It’s time for chemistry. Professor Vaalder enters the classroom and yells ‘HEMELTJE LIEF’ which would translate to ‘my goodness’, but honestly it’s more on the level of ‘oopsy daisy’ than ‘my goodness’. Anyway, he yells ‘HEMELTJE LIEF’ and wonders why boys and girls aren’t sitting next to each other. ”You know what, I’ll change it!” Why. Oh I know why. So that Patricia and Tim would sit together and fall in love. I’M NOT KIDDING GUYS JUST WAIT.
Anyway, Vaalder knows all of their names already? I guess the teachers get pictures with their names and he decided to memorise them all before class. Who am I kidding 10-year old me just didn’t think this through. Oh and it’s time for another horrible pun! Reane has to sit next to ‘Peter Zagerijn’. Zagerijn sounds like ‘chagerijn’, which is a cranky person. Of course this kid is cranky. Wow such humour. Much hilarity.
Meanwhile Patricia and Tim wonder why they’re teaching chemistry at a spy academy. They come to the conclusion that they’ll have to poison their enemies and laugh. I’m pretty sure that 10-year old me decided this was the moment they ~fell in love~.
Laila has to sit next to John Mullen, but of course has no idea who that is. So Vaalder points him out. This is LITERALLY what I wrote:
”The boy in the back,” he pointed at a nerd.
”H-hi,” stuttered John. (of course he stutters oh my God why).
Why did I create such an awful character like Laila. WHAT WAS I THINKING. Remember how she fat-shamed Ricky two chapters ago? And now this. Ugh.
And so their first lesson starts. Reane goes to grab the materials they need and runs into a grumpy Laila (because oh no she has to work with a ‘nerd’! someone Avada Kedavra me) and a happy Patricia. When Reane asks her why she’s so happy, she says she’ll tell her later. Spoiler: it’s because of frickin’ insta love. BUT HEY LOOK I TRIED TO FORESHADOW ISN’T THAT CUTE.
They had some other classes after chemistry, but the narrative just skips to lunch, where Laila continues to be horrible. She has a childish outburst in the middle of the cafeteria: ”WHY DO I GET A NERD?”
Laila wonders why they have geography, because you know, it’s the 21st century. You can get a TomTom. It was pretty obvious that I had no idea what they teach you in geography. Patricia, Reane and Tim join them at the table and Patricia and Tim sit next together. Which apparently is a big deal. I guess it is in primary school which you know, I was still attending at the time I wrote this. Zoey gives Reane a curious look, but Reane doesn’t explain anything. And apparently it isn’t explained (there’s nothing to explain like seriously they’re just sitting together and they became friends a few days ago jfc) in this chapter at all. In chapter 6 (I’m skipping ahead a bit) Zoey asks Patricia why she sat down next to Tim (maybe because there was no space. Maybe because they’re friends. Maybe because they’re on the same team. I dunno there’s just nothing suspicious about it) and Patricia shyly tells her they’re dating.
They’ve known each other for less than two days and they’re already dating. Insta love at its finest.
Since this chapter is longer than the previous ones, I’ll continue chapter 5 in my next post. We still have some more classes to discuss. Like history. Maybe it’s useful to know the history of international relationships as a spy, but of course their first history class starts with the big bang. That makes sense. As a spy you might have to infiltrate dinosaur territory.
What were romances like in the stories you wrote as a kid? Did you use the infamous insta love trope? Did they have any chemistry? Let me know in the comments!