I’ve mentioned before that I don’t always feel well mentally, but I’ve never really went into details. Not because I don’t trust you guys or feel ashamed or anything like that, but because I don’t want to bother you guys with it or something like that. Yesterday when I was at my psychologist’s I made up my mind. I wanted to talk to you guys, because I know I’m not alone and I want YOU to know that as well. ‘Honest’ sounded a bit weird, because I haven’t been lying. I’ve told you a few times that I hadn’t been feeling well (always afterwards), but it still feels like I’m not completely honest even though I’m not lying. So here goes.
I have PTSD. I have known that for a few months now, though I’ve had it for years. I didn’t want to go to a psychologist or anything because I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about, well, everything. At the start of last school year I had a talk with my SLB’er, which is sort of like a homeroom teacher. We were talking about what I had been through and how that affected me, also in my schoolwork. I didn’t tell her all the details, just a short summary that didn’t cover it at all. She suggested I’d see a psychologist, and ever since then I started to think about it. So last Spring I took the first step by talking to my doctor about it and some time later I had my first appointment, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. While it was scary, I also felt relieved. Because what my psychologist was telling me made sense. There was a name for what I was going through.
While I didn’t know I had PTSD, I did know I had something. I’ve been having panic attacks for years, there have been quite a few days where I just felt empty (which happened this week, which I put as ‘not feeling well’ because honestly I don’t know how to describe how I feel on those days), I have anxiety to the point that I avoid a lot of things and get panic attacks over small things that a lot of people will probably find silly, and God knows what else. Honestly, it’s such a part of my daily life that I don’t even realise if something is not ‘mentally healthy’. I’m basically often a ball of nerves (and that’s lightly put), even now that I’m writing this when yesterday I felt pretty sure about writing this post.
So there are days when I’ll avoid social media that involves talking, I won’t respond to your comments or tweets, I won’t read your blogposts etc. because I’m just avoiding having to talk. So if I ever sort of disappear, don’t think I’m ignoring you. I’m NEVER ignoring any of you, because I love you guys so much and I love talking to you, but on those days? I don’t even want to talk to my mom.
This is still a short version. One day I hope to tell you guys everything, but I’m still not comfortable with that. I’m already amazed that I actually typed all this and that I’m about to click the ‘publish’ button. I just didn’t want to ‘lie’ anymore and be as open as I can be with you guys, and let you understand that sometimes I just need to take a step back from the blogging community (and make sure that you don’t think I’m ignoring you). So that’s part of my story. While I’m still nervous about posting this, it also feels good to have it ‘out in the open’.