I Want To Be ‘Honest’ With You Guys

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t always feel well mentally, but I’ve never really went into details. Not because I don’t trust you guys or feel ashamed or anything like that, but because I don’t want to bother you guys with it or something like that. Yesterday when I was at my psychologist’s I made up my mind. I wanted to talk to you guys, because I know I’m not alone and I want YOU to know that as well. ‘Honest’ sounded a bit weird, because I haven’t been lying. I’ve told you a few times that I hadn’t been feeling well (always afterwards), but it still feels like I’m not completely honest even though I’m not lying. So here goes.

I have PTSD. I have known that for a few months now, though I’ve had it for years. I didn’t want to go to a psychologist or anything because I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about, well, everything. At the start of last school year I had a talk with my SLB’er, which is sort of like a homeroom teacher. We were talking about what I had been through and how that affected me, also in my schoolwork. I didn’t tell her all the details, just a short summary that didn’t cover it at all. She suggested I’d see a psychologist, and ever since then I started to think about it. So last Spring I took the first step by talking to my doctor about it and some time later I had my first appointment, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. While it was scary, I also felt relieved. Because what my psychologist was telling me made sense. There was a name for what I was going through.

While I didn’t know I had PTSD, I did know I had something. I’ve been having panic attacks for years, there have been quite a few days where I just felt empty (which happened this week, which I put as ‘not feeling well’ because honestly I don’t know how to describe how I feel on those days), I have anxiety to the point that I avoid a lot of things and get panic attacks over small things that a lot of people will probably find silly, and God knows what else. Honestly, it’s such a part of my daily life that I don’t even realise if something is not ‘mentally healthy’. I’m basically often a ball of nerves (and that’s lightly put), even now that I’m writing this when yesterday I felt pretty sure about writing this post.

So there are days when I’ll avoid social media that involves talking, I won’t respond to your comments or tweets, I won’t read your blogposts etc. because I’m just avoiding having to talk. So if I ever sort of disappear, don’t think I’m ignoring you. I’m NEVER ignoring any of you, because I love you guys so much and I love talking to you, but on those days? I don’t even want to talk to my mom.

This is still a short version. One day I hope to tell you guys everything, but I’m still not comfortable with that. I’m already amazed that I actually typed all this and that I’m about to click the ‘publish’ button. I just didn’t want to ‘lie’ anymore and be as open as I can be with you guys, and let you understand that sometimes I just need to take a step back from the blogging community (and make sure that you don’t think I’m ignoring you). So that’s part of my story. While I’m still nervous about posting this, it also feels good to have it ‘out in the open’.

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43 thoughts on “I Want To Be ‘Honest’ With You Guys

  1. Thanks for sharing this. I also sometimes have anxiety (though not to the same degree), and I think it’s really important to support each other through it. As everyone above says, we’re here for you!

  2. I really admire you for sharing this with us. I can never understand completely, but I have anxiety myself and I promise you mental illness can improve. Each and everyone of us is right behind you and I am sending you lots of love through this screen. Keep writing and keep being amazing, talking about mental illness is incredibly difficult but you’re already taking big steps.

    Alex

  3. You’re very brave for sharing this! The whole situation sounds terrible but your reaction to it is very heartening. I hope you start feeling a bit better a lot more often :)

  4. Firstly well done for sharing this post!! I don’t think it’s a bad thing to keep things like this to yourself, because it’s personal. However at the same time it’s your choice to write about it if you want to, and I’m glad that you are able to talk about it because mental health (in my opinion) needs to be discussed more so it is less of a taboo subject. I hope you’re feeling better today and know that we’re always here for you and will always support you :)

    • Yeah agreed! I mostly wrote it because like you said it needs to be discussed and because I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m ignoring them when it takes a while for me to respond back (which of course is silly). Thanks Janet, I am :)

  5. You are so brave sharing this alone, you are not alone and we are all here and will listen whenever you want to share anything with us. I have anxiety so can relate to some of your anxious thoughts and panic attacks, whenever you need a break then we fully understand. Your main concern is to look after yourself and get yourself into a relaxed state, anxious thoughts can really knock us back. Of course I don’t know what it is like to have PTSD though so I can only imagine.

    Stay Strong <3

  6. You really are so brave for sharing this! I really hope that you start feeling a lot better soon, and that you know we’re all here for you! :)

  7. Holly what you have described is so very common and “normal” you have no idea. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been treated for it since my mid 20’s. All of my friends and family know but I have never really written about it on my blog because it isn’t something I’ve wanted or felt I had to do. You didn’t have to admit to anything but now that you have I want to tell you how COMMON it is. Panic attacks ha e no rhyme or reason. They can be a result of a real trigger or that can happen from seemingly out of NOWHERE even when you are feeling good. The great news is that and your PTSD are treatable and you will find your way. If it gives you encouragement I haven’t had a panic attack in 20 years so help is available. I always found panic attacks scarier no matter how depressed I would become so rest assured there is hope. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug and reassure you how normal what you feel is. We are only human in a very scary and increasingly isolated world. Help is out there xox

    • It’s a relief to hear that you haven’t had a panic attack in such a long time! Yeah same here, a few days ago I felt like I was going to choke so of course that really scared me. Sending you a virtual hug back thank you for your lovely message ❤

  8. I’m glad you shared this!! We will all be here for you if you want to talk. If not, we’ll understand! Sending you a massive hug :) I hope you feel better more often than not!

  9. It’s so exciting to hear that you can trust us! We all care about you and totally understand if you need to take some time for yourself. Although (obviously) we won’t necessarily understand what you’re going through, we will always be here if/when you need to talk. And of course, you’re not a bother! You’re such an interesting person, and I’ve known you for about a year now. You’re a consistently awesome person/blogger, and we all love you for it. No worries, we aren’t going anywhere. :-)
    -Amy

  10. I’m so proud of you for telling us this! I completely understand that you don’t want to talk to us about it in a lot of detail right now, but know that all of us are ready to listen when you want to :) Love you!! xx

  11. I think it’s great that you are willing to share this with us. It takes guts to share this. Just know that if you ever feel like you want to talk about it, you have a whole community behind you. Take care and remember that we’ll be there for you if you need us :)

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