In Which I Judge My Own Writing Part IX

It is time to judge the book I wrote when I was ten again! This book is called Spy Academy and the Secret of Ethelbertha Harrison, so as you can tell it takes place at a spy school. In this weekly feature  I recap a chapter and provide you with sarcastic commentary. 

Part I | Part IIPart IIIPart IVPart VPart VI | Part VII | Part VIII


So in the last chapter the kids decide that they have to open the locked door at the eight floor, which means they’ll need a bobby pin, which means they’ll need a chicken (as in food not a live one) to give to Door, who so happens to own a bobby pin (because bobby pins are so are guys this is their only option). But now it’s time for Christmas! And apparently according to the chapter title it’s a very funny Christmas. Why? Let’s find out shall we.

Both Laila and Ricky stayed at the school for the break, because Ricky didn’t want to go home and Laila’s parents had to go to Paris for work. Then there’s a recap of where everyone else went in one entire sentence which is horrible to read. Anyway, the two who stayed behind decide to go to Door, who’s murdering a chicken. BECAUSE SHE’S A CHEF WHO WORKS IN A KITCHEN IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD TO GET A CHICKEN GUYS. Oh never mind she’s not actually murdering a chicken. It’s already dead. I have no idea why she’s screaming ‘HAJAAH! GET THAT CHICKEN! TONIGHT YOU’RE IN MY STOMACH’ if it’s already dead but okay. Let’s not question my ten-year old self’s logic.

So I’m starting to remember this chapter and I think nothing really happens. I just wrote about how all the characters spend their holidays. So interesting. Much important for the plot. So while Ricky, Laila and Door just eat a lot, Zoey is sitting on a bench in Castricum (okay this is sort of important because there’s a ‘famous poulterer’s shop’ there where she’ll buy a chicken for Door but since this plot line is ridiculous and makes no sense it really isn’t that important) and sighs because she misses the school and her friends. Then she goes inside the shop and buys a chicken. IT’S THE FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS. WHY ARE YOU GIVING DOOR A TWO WEEKS OLD CHICKEN OH MY GOD.

Omg. Patricia’s paragraph is so important to the plot. She’s at the dolphinarium and is feeding a dolphin. Oh and the dolphin makes her wet. That’s pretty much it.

So Reane is snowboarding. First paragraph is about her worried parents because she’s missing. Second is of her lying in the snow with a bruised ankle, but have no fear! Her father finds her and brings her back to the hotel. Omg that’s like super important to the plot. Big foreshadowing right there.

Back to Laila and Ricky, who are going to the Great Hall for dinner. And oh my, do I see something relevant happening there? They conveniently overhear Professor Flubbertjes (still not okay that I named a teacher that. Or a character in general) and Heyligers (who glares at Laila) talking. Flubbertjes says that he ‘said that I might believe you’ and ‘Lil, listen, it’s probably a lot of fun, reading those tarot cards, but it’s nonsense! How was I supposed to know that you were listening.’

And then Laila and Ricky show off their spy skills. They figure out that Heyligers was listening to the tour and now thought Flubbertjes believed her (this is really vague, but from a letter that Zoey, Laila and Bryan found last chapter it is deducted that because first years figured out the ‘secret of the projector’, first years will also solve the mystery of Ethelbertha Harrison. Heyligers got this from tarot cards) – what a deduction. And once again 10-year old me calls Heyligers, who is in her forty old: ”Don’t mind professor Heyligers, she’s getting old and has nothing to do, so she keeps herself busy with divination’. I wonder if this too was inspired by Harry Potter (the answer is most likely yes).

Omg I can’t believe how long this chapter is when practically nothing happens. I mean it’s irrelevant that Zoey finds a flier of a petting zoo. Or that Reane is sitting on the couch moping because she’s no longer allowed to snowboard. Or that Patricia gets wet again, but this time it’s the fault of a walrus. Okay but the paragraph after that is actually hilarious. Because it’s so bad.

Laila and Ricky are wandering the empty halls and are just talking about how boring it’s getting, when a screaming figure runs by them. It is Door, running away from Heyligers, holding another chicken (again, one ready to cook, not a live one) because apparently chicken nowadays is really hard to get by: ”I NEED THAT CHICKEN! GIVE ME THAT CHICKEN!” Heyligers yells. Okay then.

”FORGET IT” – Door
”NO! I WON’T FORGET IT!” – Heyligers
”FALL DEAD!” – Door
”NO I WON’T FALL DEAD!” – Heyligers (lol great comeback)
”RUN AFTER ME!” – Door, probably trying some reverse psychology or something
”NO, I’M NOT RUNNING AFTER YOU!” – Heyligers
”YES YOU ARE!” – Door
”THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT ISN’T IT?!” – Heyligers
”WHATEVER!” – Door
”JUST GIVE ME THAT CHICKEN!” – Heyligers
”NO!” – Door

Aaaand the award for best dialogue goes to…

While Patricia is searching for stranded porpoises (more foreshadowing! not), Bryan is running for his live. He had just been strolling through London, when all of a sudden Royal National Guards started chasing him (why). He reaches a dead end, but he jumps into the air, makes a backward salto and ends up behind the Guards. And then he outruns them. I think they weren’t actual Guards, but some bad guys in disguise, though I don’t know if it’s ever explained.

At the other side of the world Zoey is feeding animals at the petting zoo. For some reason she’s working for the owner, even though she had to pay an entrance fee?? What the hell?

And then it ends with Laila and Ricky reflecting on their holidays and looking forward to their classes and friends returning. What a great chapter. Really couldn’t be left out. That would be such a huge impact on the plot.

Sooo… If someone were to ask for your food, would you run away too? Let me know in the comments!

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22 thoughts on “In Which I Judge My Own Writing Part IX

  1. AAH THESE ARE HILARIOUS. I have to admit that it takes a bit of processing to catch where the plot is going but it’s still very enjoyable. :P I think in particular my favourite was the exchange with Door and Heyligers. That is the level of dialogue I aspire to!

    • THANK YOU :D Yeah that’s very understandable since the story doesn’t make much sense haha. I barely understand it myself lol. Haha yeah I love that exchange too! I know right? I had achieved greatness at a young age

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